Over three months into 2018 and this is only the first blog post I’ve written. It’s partially because I can barely keep my head on straight each day. Existing has been exhausting and my daily schedule is generally crammed with appointments, shifts, errands, volunteer hours, work, and planning for the future. I am on the go all the time, unless I’m granted a single late morning to sleep soundly and without interruption. This has happened twice this year so far. That isn’t saying much.
The other piece to not writing has been… everything else.
Apathy isn’t something I experience or feel very often. My emotions, on the entire spectrum, are powerful and fierce. But right up until this very moment I’ve felt exceptionally apathetic towards everything. Seeing friends and family? If it happens, alright. Going out and having fun? Meh. I’ve not shopped. Work feels like work. Sleep is fine. Things I generally am passionate and thrilled about aren’t bad, they just… are things I do. There’s disconnect between my heart and the ones I love, but I’m still here and I still care, just without the flames.
As I toss this all around, I wonder if my apathy is the heavy sigh of relief from the hell that 2017 was. Maybe this is my reprieve.
And then there’s the other side of this. The things I do not discuss with the world, or even with more than a handful of close ones. There is so much of me that I want the world to know about, things I’m no longer forcing myself to deny; color and light and truth! And there is so much that hurts, things that I am struggling to hold; deep longing, lacking, insufficiency. The time is not now. It will be soon, but it is not now and that is a labyrinth I want not to be in.
But I am taking good care of myself. I am. My nails are pastel purple and my hair is bobbed. My jeans are loose and my shirts are too big. I sleep alright, I drink plenty of water, I am still loud when it comes to politics. I love who I am, I love who I see in the mirror. My shoulders are lighter, my heart is fuller, my perception is clear and my own. I am pulling the weeds and removing the trash and keeping up with the darks and the lights. I give a shit about some and not a fuck about others.
Yet it’s taken me eleven separate tries to write this post since January 3rd and it’s still not really what I hoped it said. Not at all, not even a little.